I was amazed to realize that we’re the only country that tells the rest of the world, on a nearly constant basis, that we’re the greatest country on Earth.

And that is a little fuckin’ obnoxious.

And they know it’s obnoxious. Because, if you were in an office, and there was someone there who came in every day and said, “I’m the greatest fucker here! And you sniveling shits would die without me!” I can guarantee that by the end of the week you’d have killed him and eaten him, just to try to possess his power…

Let’s face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we’re forced to visit.

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they’re showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You’re better off coming back as a lobster.

There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.