Everybody is encouraged to be touchy. Everybody, that is, but me. I’m a white Anglo-Saxon male — I’m everybody’s asshole.

Black people think I’m physically deficient and oppressive. Gay people think I’m latently homosexual and overly macho. Women think I’m oafish and horny. And Asians think I’m lazy and stupid.

Hey, you think you have an axe to grind? I’m fuckin’ Paul Bunion over here.

And you know something, there is a principal of reciprocity here. If I’m expected to be genial, I expect that from the rest of you.

Why are we so hung up on the name calling?

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.